Unnecessarily Pretentiously Alternative

My opinion on how people change...
People change when they find their current situation uncomfortable enough to stop complaining and do something. Once the decision is there, the best way to change is to just be and allow change to flow through you without judgement. The how... allowing new ideas, thoughts, beliefs to resonate and stew - one cannot help but change when new things begin to happen in the big empty cavity upstairs.

Everything He sends our way is good! How could it not be, he promises that his plans for us are to prosper us. Even when it seems to not be what we 'think' is best, it always is. Maybe there aren't really any 'pits', if we recognize that everything works together perfectly.


If we think we are in the midst of disaster, harm or calamity - that is not what God promises. Maybe its our thinking about the situation that causes us the suffering, not the situation itself. (Jer 29:11)

I have been through my own digging up and purging of many 'Christian' beliefs. Sometimes my head strong beliefs get in the way of actually knowing and loving God and me and the intimate relationship that we have. Some of my 'Christian' beliefs have hindered the way I can get to know God by putting Him in a box and saying He is only this way or only acts that way. When really God can do as he wishes! I'm committed to letting him do as he wishes without my judgement or rules of how things should be and look.

The Invitation
By Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dreams
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…
I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your
fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.

If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand on the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after a night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the center of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

Its been asked time and again, throughout the ages. What is the purpose of it all? The purpose of family, friends, jobs, schooling, religion, god, morals, decisions, children, pets, houses, stuff, thoughts, beliefs.
It all seems a vicious cycle. We work to pay for stuff, we give the stuff away, or we keep it or we put it in the dump. We make decisions based on morals. We hold to the morals because..? It makes us feel good, or because that's what we've been taught, or because that's what our particular society dictates, or just for no good reason at all... Just Because.

That is a good answer isn't it? The purpose of it all is 'Just Because'. Just because we humans need something to 'do'. We need to feel successful, we need to strive for something. We need recognition, we need wealth, we need to feel better than someone else. We need ... we need ... we need.

What if we didn't need. What if whatever we had was enough. What if whatever situation we find ourselves in, we find it to be a perfect fit ~ Always. We don't question if it could be better, we don't judge what another person has or doesn't have. We don't compare, we just enjoy, relish and bask in the perfect fit  - until the very moment that it changes. Because it will change. That's a guarantee. But then the change comes and we find that it is a perfect fit too. And we don't grieve over what we had, because we can see that now it would not be a perfect fit anymore. Our purpose has changed, circumstances have changed. We are ready for the next situation, stage, experience.

If this is how we lived than would the purpose just to 'be'? Just to enjoy each moment whatever the situation is? Not striving, not worrying about making decisions, not trying to do what is 'right'. Underlying this all, would kindness to self and others still prevail?

Maybe that is the ultimate purpose of life - simply... Kindness. Kindness to self, to one another, to creatures, to our land, to our perceived enemies, to our possessions, to our beliefs and the beliefs of others.
I'm  happy with that. I can sleep on that.  

My purpose is simply ... Kindness.

Ohh, I expect so much from myself. I require perfection always. In every thought I have, in the way I sit, the way I lay down, the way I cook, clean, talk....  in everything. I'm inundated with the need for perfection. I can hear my mother saying "Quit being so hard on yourself!" Ok, Mom... I'm ready. I'm done with perfection. I'm committed to looking at the thoughts as they arise and sitting awkwardly, cooking stinky food sometimes, talking out of turn, and allowing myself not to look so perfect. All for whom? It's only for me. No one else really cares about these things. It's only me that has insisted on this crazy way of life.

I had my first experience getting high on weed.
What a trip - a journey through different experiences - 6 to be exact. As I moved through each experience, I found a few moments of coherency and could clearly put thoughts together, until I felt the slipping into the next experience. Physically my fingertips and my tongue tingled.

The first experience began shortly after the final pull. Time expanded to the capacity that I could feel the space between the seconds. There was a equal moment of feeling me touching him, feel the hammock, feel the blanket and an equal moment of feeling the space between our touch, between the hammock and between the blanket. In that moment, there was nothing touching me, just a vast empty space surrounding me completely. I could feel the moment between my words and thoughts. The vastness of that extra second contained so much more thoughts that my mind could comprehend. And the working through of those thoughts was quick and seamless. All I could say was "There's so much to say". I moved back and forth through coherent thought. For every moment of reality, there was a pull towards unreality. For my voice there was also another, each opposing each other. One fought for control of being, the other propelled spontaneity, laughter, any thought, any idea, any topic, didn't matter if it was proper, it was about freedom. The control being fought hard. When I felt the urge to laugh - the control being allowed a small sputtering laugh, but quickly brought it back under control. "What would it look like, what would people think if they could see my complete freedom, if I could laugh at nothing. No, you must remain under control, fight for it."
The second experience was the essence of touch. I could completely feel him, his every touch. His hands were huge, his movements smooth. I was completely absorbed in that moment.
The third experience was of silly giddiness. Everything was funny - if only the control being would let it be. It was a continual tug of war between the desire for abandoned humor and the control of emotion.
The fourth - passion. The words to describe are hard to come by. Hard to put a 4 dimensional experience onto a 2 dimensional paper.
The fifth experience pulled me back to age 5. I could see, feel, hear, smell every sensation from that time. I had some things to work through. I had some images to re-capture, to set free, to accept, to forgive. And it all came. An understanding that I've never had before as to the thoughts and experiences of that time. I've never before been able to go back there with such clarity, such wording and identifying how I feel, what I am doing, why I am doing it. I could describe in detail and put words to an experience that was very prominent in my childhood. I cried, and it felt so good.
And Six... a journey into the heart of God through the story of Noah. Don't ask me why Noah?? I have no clue. But I was left with frustration and confusion over why a God so powerful, loving and accepting could kill his own people - his own creation. Is there a conspiracy? Is there a line to pull? Is there something being hidden throughout history that could potential destroy the authorities that have the current power? If I don't pull the line, if I don't believe the stories - what happens? Is the hell/heaven scene merely a smoke screen for something more powerful available to us?

And then rest - it finally came.

I took a street view of the story of Noah. Got right down to the level of the people, the environment, the noise, the activity and this is what I saw.
I don't know the population of the earth at this time, but even if there were 100,000 people - a small community of people, a growing populace. They were living, working, breathing... doing their thing. All except for 8 people. Then one man, Noah, heard directly from God to start building this gigantic boat. Maybe it took him 100 years to build it. He devoted all his time and energies to this. Who supported his family in the process? What kind of endurance and perseverance did he show by building this unknown structure day in and day out for 100 years?
Upon its completion, God looked at the rest of the people on the earth and decided they were a disgrace. They weren't good enough, they were wicked, he had no hope in them, he found them to be despicable - foolish - disobedient - so much so that he AGAIN destroyed them. Not just with a small plague but complete and utter massaker. Destroyed his whole of creation except those that could cram on the boat.
What kind of a God is this? First destroying communication at the Tower, now killing every last of his creation through a flood. I am not seeing a lot of love, devotion, hope, support, encouragement from this God. He keeps giving up on us. Keeps dictating how we must act, think, believe. No freedom for creativity and completely using the faculties, thoughts, creations that he has created us with.
Who's idea was this to portray a dictator type God? Who gains by wrapping us up in labels, laws, prescription, beliefs.
Then there is the other God that I was also introduce to. One that loves unconditionally, would give his life for me in a heart beat, wants the best for me, fills me with blessings day after day. And not only for me, but for everyone, all of creation - whether they recognize it or not. How is it that this same God can turn around and destroy his people? This does not compute people!!!
Is God himself on a journey of enlightenment. What once made him angry - he now fills that space with love? Where once much of his journey was filled with destruction, war, law - now he fills with understanding, peace, freedom. Is he still evolving too?

I've been contemplating the Tower of Babel story and have a few ponderings.

So prior to God stepping in and striking chaos throughout the people, life may have looked much like this:

There was peace within the nation. People listened to what was true for them and followed that. They didn't follow one human leader, one way of doing something, one belief, one culture. They simply listened to their hearts and what felt right and true for them. A great community of people who lived their lives this way gathered and began working on a mammoth project together. I personally am not sure what my take or belief is in the project that they were working on, but nonetheless, the project was underway. The vastness of the project required that there be incredible flow, respect, truth, love, generosity, kindness, goodness and community to even begin to be successful. Well this nation of people were well underway, living their truths and accepted others for their truths. Until, one day, God got wind of this. Like he wasn't paying attention at all in the beginning, but perhaps he was just observing to see. Could this nation truly remain in this flow of working together towards a common goal? Could they find the truth within themselves? Could they respect each other enough to work on this project? And alas, they could! They began to have success! And just in that very moment of success, God smashed it all to pieces. Why? Why the hell would God destroy this moment of truth? Was it because of the nature of the project? Was it because he was intimidated? Was it because he wanted to add another element and test the humans again to see if they could once again remain or regain the flow and truth? It would seem a bit ludicrous for God to destroy all this in an act of beating his chest saying  "Me God, You Human... Oi Oi, Me destroy your peace and put you back in your place".     Loving God eh?

I live a life of luxury! Just look:

• healthy children around me
• a beautiful house with room for everyone
• organic food galore
• clothing new and used, but all beautiful
• people who care
• a partnership with dignity and respect
• freedom to believe
• freedom to teach my children
• freedom to come and go
• freedom to thought
• freedom to take care of myself
• freedom to love
• deep rooted trees
• fresh eggs
• educational opportunities
• health care
• Dr's and nurses who offer support
• a bed to sleep in
• did I mention freedom.... sooo much freedom
• unconditional love for who I am and who I will be
• friends and family cheering on
• music

I can't even fathom it all. But I know I live in blessing. I know that the trivial day to day things are only stitches in the seams. They are temporary, I let not them dictate what the whole tapestry looks like. A bigger view, a greater perspective will show me the stitches are important, but only to hold things together, take off the bifocals, its the little details that make the whole so elaborate.

Life is settling, the day to day routine of 4 children, a home, a garden, relationships and community seem to fill the spare moments I once had to contemplate, meditate, bask. But it will return, it must return, my being requires it.
The ticket is presence, pure presence. Living in this exact moment, reveling in all that is on my plate, tasting each item, savouring, letting the flow just happen and examining my thoughts about it all. I live a life of luxury, there is nothing missing, lacking, or needing to be improved ~ Only my thoughts.

I suffer when I believe that I give more than I receive.

Is it possible. If the universe is ultimately kind and wants to provide what is the best for me, how can I not receive immense things. Love, provision, solace, peace, beauty no matter how it comes into existence. It's about being present with what is in front of me and not looking at all the intricate details of what made it that way. God's pulling the strings, I just need to pick up my foot and move forward.

I can see you
I can hear you
I can actually understand... who you are, what you say, what you mean.
Have I've been masked all these years? Only hearing, seeing, believing what I think you are. My mask is gone, you can place yours aside - so we can truly see who we are.

I live and breath peace and joy 24/7. I don't engage in conflict, I am ultimately confident in the path before me. I follow the voice that guides me every moment of my day and I am incredibly blessed, provided for and overwhelmed in love.

This is it. This clearly describes Me.

_____________________________
As we move toward A Place Called…Peace, or wholeness, or our dream the people in our lives will be at a loss sometimes to figure us out. They will hardly recognize the ‘out of the box ‘ us. ‘What on earth has happened to them?’ is a common response to the new and different way we are handling our life and them.
What happen? It is quiet simple…the ‘hope’ in our spirit began to manifest in our soul and we became intolerant of our ‘present’ and decided to create our ‘future’. We got tired of living on the edge of everything and decided to jump smack dab in the middle and claim our best life. We got tired of ‘ lack’ and went after ‘more than enough’. Being tired of almost… we left…we may not have arrived yet…but we did leave.

We stopped thinking ‘I can’t’ and began to proclaim to the world, the universe, the angels in Heaven and all the demons in hell that, ‘Yes, I can! And Yes, I will! Furthermore, whatever any of you guys have to do to allow full access to the Plan of God or me…get it done! Either get out of my way, or start bringing the resources to me, because I WILL walk out my Assignment on this earth.’ And by the way, with these ‘positive core beliefs’ in place and fully realized, nothing and nobody will be able to stop you or even slow you down. You will be walking in The Dream, Girlfriend…with a Soul Set Free.

Some days, you will be so full of this revelation that you won’t even know yourself. Just who is that woman in the mirror whose eyes reflect the deep tranquil pools of peace in her soul and whose words radiate vision? Who is that full-of-confidence-creature who walks into a room and her very presence demands respect? Although she can speak ever so softly, her laughter is spontaneous and full of joy. Who is that? She has an aura of Royalty and yet at the same time love motivates her to ‘be all things to all people’. Who on earth is that?
Answer: That’s you and that’s me…. ‘ That’ is our Father’s Daughter… healed, whole and free…right here on this earth.
Now multiply ‘that’ woman by the hundreds, and thousands, and you will see millions of Women walking out the Call of God upon their lives. These women will bring healing and wholeness where ever they turn. They will come from every walk of life and touch every social and economic level of society. We are on our way girls and the world is about to take notice.
As this transformation transpires, some of the on lookers will not fully appreciate the changes they see in you. There are a number of reasons, but all of them basically boil down to the fact that since you ‘got out of your box’, ‘their box’ is not as comfortable as it use to be. You’re not predictable any more. You seem just ‘too full of yourself’ for their comfort. After all …up until now your life had been ‘all about ‘them’.

Their wounded souls can’t count on you to re-act like you use to. Once upon a time they could set the climate for your day by just a word, but now no matter what ‘agenda’ their wounded souls come up with, you just don’t buy into it.
As much grief as they try to give you about the changes, they are also jealous. They wouldn’t mind having your freedom, but the price you paid seems just too strange. (Getting up in the middle of the night to write words from Father in your journal…paraphrasing the Bible and putting your name in it… strange indeed.)

Since their own box is still a fortified stronghold, they sometimes hide in it and turn into ‘snipers’. Snipers try to wound you just enough so you can be dragged back into the box they helped you create. You, back in your box, makes it easier for them to stay in their box. The thing we do if we are the least bit co-dependent is put our box inside their box so we can keep house for them. Makes things real handy… for them. Our best defense for the ‘snipers’ in our lives is no defense. Nothing we can say will change anything for them. ‘They’ are the deciding factor in their own lives, just as we were.

I remember as clearly as it were last week, the day one of my past ‘personal snipers’ turned from ‘aggressive’ to ‘passive aggressive’ and tried to hook me up one more time with feeling sorry for them. With tears they said, “Oh, I know I make your life miserable”. My answer surprised even me, “No,” I said in a calm clear voice, “No, you don’t, my days of misery are over”. And so they were.

I had better things to do than get back into that co-dependent box of trying to make ‘them’ okay. God had a Plan and I was determined to move my Hope of walking in that Plan into the Reality of my everyday life. I had a mind to renew…I had a Journey to take…and fooling around with ‘what-others-thought about me’ was, as they say, wasting daylight.

AN EXCERPT FROM... THE SEARCH FOR PEACE:A WOMAN'S GUIDE TO SPIRITUAL WHOLENESS

Still seeing perfection.. daily, moment by moment. Still feeling peace in everything. Still have unbelievable joy and gratitude. Still in love with everything. Still...

Maybe the key is to believe that I really only have today. That's it. No tomorrow, no yesterday. Only today. Living present in this moment, doing what I would do if it was my last. Not waiting to love, not waiting to hug, not waiting to breath, not waiting to watch the sunrise/sunset, not waiting to take a nap, not waiting to wash the floor, not waiting to say how I feel, not waiting to scream if I need to, not waiting... just not waiting. This moment counts immensly. What will I do with this moment - not with this day, week, month, year, lifetime. But right now - only now.

Benji's been having this running dialog for the last couple of years about the 'eye's' in the back of my head. He is trying to wrap his mind around it and asks to see them. He can't wait to grow up and get his own eyes. Today in our discussion, he asked me yet again if I still have them. In all honesty and truth I answered him "Yes". I said "These eyes are called my intuition eyes. They don't look like the eyes on the front of your head". Then I began to wonder about these eyes and why we don't use them more often. Call it perception intuition, insight, gut feeling, sense, knowing, hunch, impression, instinct. We tend to use them when we sense our children are in danger or mischief, or use them in a highly charged situation when adrenaline is rushing. What if we used these eyes for living and our eyes on the front just for viewing beauty in the world and in others. What if our eyes on the front were not for making decisions only for receiving information about our world.

OMG - just kill me now. I'm really not sure how life could get any better. Is it possible that every day is more perfect than the one before?


I can hardly fathom how every moment of my days feel so ultimately perfect. Nothing I would change in each moment. Just when I think this moment is the best I've ever had, the next moment arrives and .... ahh ... there it is again - it's perfect too! I feel a complete acceptance to every moment as a gift just for me. An opportunity to love fully, experience fully, be in joy, rest in peace, see goodness in my children, see creativity and color in nature.. oh it overwhelms me so. How is it that I can be soo blessed - so ultimately provided for, so full of gratitude for everything I have, everything I am. Life is no longer a struggle, stress or worry. I see the divine provision, flow, alignment with everything - when the phone rings, when I stub my toe, when the dog barks. Everything seems to have this perfect rhythm. I am all and yet I have nothing.

"Where I come from, no one can figure me out."

Received 2:30am, June 23, 2010

"All of this I give to you. It's not by the labour of your hands. It's by following your true calling. Rest in it, revel in it, joy in it - for it is what I've made you to be. It is enough, you are more than enough. All these years, its been in the plan - more than you could ever know. Trust it, work it, rest in it, accept it, be in it. All the details are not for you to know. My hand is at work. The greater masterpiece will show the completed picture. Work your corner and see it filter throughout the whole masterpiece. The time is now - there is no time to wait. I will continue to show you the signs, reaffirm your way. It's Good. Not for your own self gain, but for the benefit of the whole. Keep ego in check. Ego pulls you out of the whole - unprotected, noncontributing to the whole. Be a part of the whole in thought, action, movement, talk, walk. All roles are important. Yours will propel others but all are equal. Go  Do   Say  Listen   Walk I will guide  Go.  It's time"

We are told we need to evolve. Through evolving we will become like or close to God.
Maybe the truth is we need to stop evolving and get back to the beginning.
Reverse the process ~ Unevolve!

Creation - the beginning of mankind.

God created male and female. Void of knowledge of good and evil, right and wrong, good and bad. All God created was good. There was no scale of what was good, better, best, bad, worse, wrong.
He made this fantastic garden full of the most delicious foods, greens, fruits, vegetables, roots, leaves, grasses. God made it all good and enjoyable and yummy for mankind. He also put one tree in the garden that held all the secrets about good and evil. Mankind was made and placed in paradise without any thought. Everything was perfect, everything that happened, every thought, every dream, every step. Mud, dirt, spit, semen, snot, sap... everything was good.

At this point in time, mankind were god's - roaming around the earth, in a new world to explore and live. They were perfect, complete in every aspect of them. They were free to eat, have sex, live, take care of the resources God gave them. There was no stress, no worry, no rules, no routine. Just a blissful life.

But the Lie. The tree - it would steal is all away. The serpent said that if they ate of the tree they would become like God. The lie is that they already were like God - eating of the tree ruined everything! It brought awareness of stress, worry, rules & routine.

The whole purpose of our existence now...  is it not to get back to the garden? Get back to being One with God, get back to all goodness, get back to our original pureness, freedom, bliss. Was the whole bible just a depiction of how we are moving at a snails pace back to the beginning. What is the transition that is coming to bring us there. Is it awareness, is it examining our untrue thoughts, is it realizing the unlimited possibilities, is it realizing that we are still believing the serpent's lie and we bank our whole existence on the thought that we aren't deserving, aren't good enough, aren't remotely close to god, we need to suffer, we need to stress, we need to have daily turmoil.

It sounds to me like the serpent is winning (if it is even a race or comparison!!)  We still believe him over God!

It seems I have two ways to go. Two choices of a life that I can lead. Two distinct opportunities.

One.
Predictiability, stability, routine, love, understanding, clearly defined expectations of rules, ways of being, conversation. People who love me and are genuinely concerned about how I live my life according to the example that Jesus offered (based on our interpretation and understanding), people who want for me to have a life of set roles, parent, job, wife, friend. Being responsible for my life.

Two.
Unpredictibilty, surrender, moment by moment decisions, joy, mysticism, unlimited possibilities, exploration of everything physical, mental, sexual, spiritual, emotional. No rules, responding to the lead for every step. People who love me and are supporting me to go, do, live however. Learning about Jesus outside of a perscribed perspective. Any role, any life, any opportunty is possible. Letting go of control of my life.

Anywhere fear creaps in - love fades. If I make my decisions in love, there is no fear. God rules!

Living through consciousness moves me beyond the realm of real earthly time. There is no clock, no calendar, no physical comprehension to time or space. A day can last a week, a week can last a month, a month can last a year. So many lessons and experiences to learn. Time will wait for it. Time will expand for it.

Funny - I just now remember being with a friend a year ago and us not wanting our time together to end. I was mentally trying to calculate how to create a time machine to expand our time together. We would get to the end of our evening and look at the clock and not be able to understand how it had moved so slowly and yet our experiences had been so lengthly. That was a glimps, a small window into what I experience now - everyday.

Grammar & Interpretation
So many scriptures that I've recited since birth never resonated more than just words. Many of these words are becoming alive now - with different truth and emphasis. Once a few centuries ago, someone thought that the bible should be interpreted a certain way and began to prolifically teach it that way in some static realm that nothing must change from our understanding. Now I'm not so sure that was the whole point of the bible. If it is truly the 'living' word of God, than it needs to live, grow, change, be comprehended differently as we ourselves become different beings.

"When you abandon every desire that rises up within you,
and when you become content with things as they are, you experience inner peace.

When your mind is untroubled by misfortune, when you desire no pleasures,
when your emotions are tranquil, and when you are free from fear and anger,
then you experience inner calm.

When you are free from all attachments,
when you are indifferent to success and failure,
then you experience inner serenity.

When you can withdraw your senses from pleasures of the senses,
just as a tortoise withdraws its limbs,
then you experience inner wisdom.

The Bhagavad Gita

My morning was greeting by an intimate yoga session with a 2 year old.

We started by him sharing with me what the deer were saying. The deer wanted to kiss him on the chin, the trees wanted to kiss him too. The ladybugs wanted to crawl up his arm all the way up to his chin. The wind - it was there too - not speaking, but there. Then yoga began. Free of form and routine, sometimes touching, sometimes leading, but always connected, roaring like lions, screaming like banshees. Observing the green grass, the bending trees in the wind, the wet dirt, the soft mat, A completely present moment - just him and me. Like nothing else existed in that moment. Moving through poses, trying some new ones. Then rest. Allowing and opening to communication with the Divine. Hearing His voice, being present with a child and innocence.

Pure beauty - pure presence - pure connection

Of the world is striving, achieving, goal setting. Requiring material goods: clothing, ipods, camera's, cars, trips, I want's. We are taught how to be good citizens and achieve these things because happiness, success, worth and proof of our responsibilities lies in the achievement of these things. Of the world there is suffering and grief. Limits on what we can achieve, what we can think, what realm of existance we can go to, how we can utilize our minds, our energy, our thoughts.

In the world is totally detaching from anything earthbound. Not requiring anything to change my current state in order to be in joy. Completely content with new clothes or not, relationships or not, a car or not, an ipod or not. Whether I have these 'things' or not does not prove my happiness, success, worth or responsibility. I am not responsible to attain any of these things. That's God's job. That's his promise. He will provide this and more once I realize I really have no needs at all. Everything I need in this moment is here. I am completely content no matter what the next decision is, no matter how much it looks like chaos, no matter how much it looks like peace. 
In the world but able to use our power, energy, mind, and insight to attain imaginable things. Experience all - all sight, all hearing, all creation, all love, all realms, all dimensions, ALL.

There is more for us while we visit here in this world.

I feel like I'm on the tip of the pinnacle of my existence. Can you picture that - does it make sense to you that my toe is the only thing makes contact with the pinnacle and at any point I could move in any direction - but completely enveloped in love.


Does this make any sense? What about the overwhelming sense of love that I have that I can't help bawling uncontrollably. Or what about the ache that I have for those that don't understand my freedom and the vastness of God. What about how the intricacies and syncronisity of everything ~

Its crazy!!!! And It's moving quickly forward!

God continues to take me to new places - moment by moment. There is no fear in what I am experiencing - but I am completely embracing what the concept of "doing greater things than these" means. It cannot be explained unless I completely give up on every thought or belief that I determined was integrity. Completely broken of all boxes - no remains of any box, morally, ethically, spiritually, physically. God has complete control. I have not a worry about following any prescribed rule.


I don't expect you to understand me - not at all. Just to observe, see how God flows. How his awesome vastness is more than enough for me. His vast love, his creation, his joy - it completely envelops me every moment. The things we pray about, sing about, read about - all my life was just lip service - not experiential. Now I know - I know what pure joy feels like, I know what serenity feels like, I know what not having a care about my existence and sustenance feels like. And not just a drop of joy or serenity but pools of it that completely cover me every moment and not just glimpses. Am I blessed to be in the place I am - Absolutely.. but It's God's perfect plan.
Every moment is a gift - not one second do I wish to waste not growing, learning, loving, experiencing, fully being here in the moment, not worrying about future, what I have no control over, what someone else might think. No life is too short!

Will I falter - absolutely, will I doubt - sadly yes.
Ok - enough of my rambles... lock me in the crazy ward - that's fine by me!

Here and present ~ T

My heart - its torn
I've seen another God
I've seen another way of being
I've seen a freedom that has not cost
I've seen a love that knows no bounds
This way of being is beautiful.

But I've lived a different way
I've lived with a God of structure
I've lived with a set way of being
I've lived with constrained freedom
I've lived a love conditional on belief, sexuality, nationality
This way of being is suffering.

If I follow with the flow of what I've seen - its risky, I'm scrutinized, called ungodly, left to choose between one way or another, not understood, of the devil, filled with evil, misunderstood.  But could I every really stay in what I've lived. Would I ever find contentment and peace again? Is it worth losing every earthly thing? How presumptuous of me to say that I am not of this world - enlightened - awakened - blessed - whatever term you use. Its superhuman, who am I that I could say I understand this.
People just don't actually live daily in God's promises of peace, provision, serenity, love, grace...... or do they?  We were meant to suffer GOD DAMIT~

Resonating...

"My feet walk where they are guided. I speak words that aren't mine anymore."

The First and The Last

"It means being first in this world is like being last in God's. Become last on purpose. Surrender. How can we discover God's will unless we give up our own?"

In relation to having what I need:

"Don't worry about me. I'm provided for. I seem to have no control over that."

"There is only one alternative to serving God out of fear. Serve him out of love."

~Experts from 'Jesus' by Deepak Chopra

Einsteins definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

This promise has been a topic in many of my recent discussions:

I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. John 14:12

Why doesn't this truth exist in our lives today? Maybe because we are insane. We do the same thing over and over again. Pray the same way, worship the same way, believe the same way, eat the same way, talk the same way, hear the same way, sleep the same way, see the same way. How much longer are we going to continue doing the same thing and expect different results.
It's time for something new.  A different way to see truth, a different way to see life, a different way to experience God, a different way to listen to God.
Or it's not time.
You choose.

This drug I'm on...

Angry, angry, angry
Thrown in the washing machine
Cycle set to spin.

Until you come out wrung
Unleashed from all independent God Thought
Ready to comply to form
Wring the water out

Rinse it yet again
Void of all body and peace
Dry, hopeless, undeserving

God promises life not misery
Deserving not undeserving
Presence not living for some other time
Hope not hopelessness

Mankind wants to keep us in a state of reliance
Reliance on structure
Reliance on understanding
Reliance on responsibility

We become GOD when we think we know what's best.

The purpose of Church and organized religion is to keep us tightly knit into a community of believers to strengthen our belief in the faith of the organized religion and to teach a set way of interpreting the bible. When one does not go to church on a regular basis, the assumption is that they are slipping away from the faith and do not have the necessary guides set up in day to day life to spur them onto continuing to tow the line of faith.
But - what if one does not go to church on a regular basis and begins to deepen their faith outside of the confines of church, the structure, the way of reading and interpreting the bible. What if their sole source of faith comes directly from God. What if God speaks to them without the structure and prescribed way of doing things. What if what He says contradicts the church?

The purpose of school is to keep us tightly knit into society to strengthen our belief in the organized way that we do life.
The purpose of politics is to keep us tightly knit into society to strengthen our belief in laws and order.
The purpose of media is to continue to feed us the knowledge that we need to perpetuate the purpose of school, politics and church.

Remove all these variables - church, school, politics & media - and you finally have a place that God can actually reach you.

Luke 18: 15-17
People brought babies to Jesus, hoping he might touch them. When the disciples saw it, they shooed them off. Jesus called them back. "Let these children alone. Don't get between them and me. These children are the kingdom's pride and joy. Mark this: Unless you accept God's kingdom in the simplicity of a child, you'll never enter it."

What is the simplicity of a child?
Simple means: unassuming, modest, without additions/modification (yes or no), easy to understand, sincere, humble, foolish.
I was watching a child play and it was very much in the moment, responding to life moment by moment. She picked up a toy, than saw the water pool and stepped in, then stepped out and picked up a piece of dirt. There wasn't a lot mental process in the thought realm. "Should I pick up this toy" - she just picked up the toy without judging if the toy was the right color, in the right spot or even if it belonged to her. She just moved forward in life - non judging, unattached, present, without thought or fore plan or expectation of what should happen next. To the adults it might seem quite silly, foolish, unrelated, unexplainable why she would move from one thing to another.
At what age does the simplicities and innocence of children disappear? The moment we beat it out of them and beat common sense in. How disappointing.

God's kingdom - where, when? How about right now, not some future far off place that propels us to always look forward and not be present in the now. The kingdom: right here, right now, within ourselves. True peace for right now, not some future date to hope for.

Dreams are a part of our existence yet we put little awareness or thought to them. In many bible stories, dreams were held in high esteem to the point that there were people hired to interpret dreams on a regular basis.
So what role do dreams have in our day to day lives. It is a different realm of awareness/consciousness. What things can we learn about ourselves and the world around us when our cognition is laid to rest for awhile?

A post from my previous blog dated June 24, 2008

Working in the garden I am learning many things. Somehow the plants and soil have a voice and if you listen closely - you can learn so much - that or I'm going crazy...

As I work in the garden an hour a day I realize a few things about gardens and life. The weeds grow - they are always there. Their root system is so deep, it takes nothing for them to take root and grow and thrive and if left unattended - eventually take over the good plants that I WANT in the garden. The plants that I want need tending daily too. They need attention, sun, water and good soil.

In my life - weeds are so easy to grow. You don't have to do anything really, they're just there. Weeds like greed, jealousy, laziness, bitterness, they are numerous. If I don't take the time everyday to tend to them, pull them out by the root... they will multiply and choke out my good plants. The plants I want in my life like love, patience, giving, joy need tending daily too. They need attention, reflection, meditation and good ground.

An hour a day for my garden - an hour a day for my soul.

Working in my garden today, I had a new perspective on weeds and plants.
If there is no right or wrong - I can't see the plants I want in my garden as good and the weeds I don't want in my garden as bad. Both have a purpose. There aren't good and bad things that grow. God has a purpose for all of them. There is also a time, season and place for everything. It just so happens that the plants I call weeds, I am moving them to a different place. Uprooting them, digging them, pulling them out with care and transporting them to the compost pile so that their purpose can be used to continue the cycle of growth in the compost and not in my garden. That is - until a kind 7 yr old boy came along and began to educate me on what I was pulling! I actually was pulling 'weeds' that I thought weren't useful to me but actually were edible greens, healing balms and so many other beneficial 'weeds'.   Oh the irony of thoughts and how I thought the weeds were nuisances when really they were divinely planted in my garden for my benefit!

What if death isn't actually what we think it is.

What if death is just a change of purpose.

What if Jesus was the first to practice The Work - before it was called that. The concept of examining every thought, living in reality, loving what is - maybe this is why he was so super human to us. He accepted everything that happened in his life. Not fighting against those that sought to accuse him, endanger him, slander him, imprison him, disbelieve him, discredit him, and eventually kill him.
He did have a moment - a whole night actually, of open and honest communication with God. Validating that he was still willing to do whatever God wanted, willed, desired, planned but that he did have some amount of discomfort, request for it to be different, and ultimately accepting that God's perfect plan for his life would be without his own defence, fight, denial or mental suffering. 

~Beautiful

Introduction to The Work
This is how I breath through life.
This is my solice.
This is my peace.
This is how I can get through 'tough' situations and remain peaceful and joyous.
This is my joy.
This is how I found my God.
This is the simmered down pot of my life. Remove the spiritual quest, the roles I play, the desire to be right, the desire for love and appreciation. All of it removed and I'm left with my thoughts and the tools to examine my thoughts and come back to peace.

What was the spiritual situation in the world when human beings believed that the Earth was flat?

People - churches - religions killed based on this belief. If you didn't hold onto this belief you could be a heretic.

What beliefs does the church hold now that are subject to change due to further awareness from God to select people and then ultimately to the entire human race. Life as we know it and believe it to be is not all there is, it's not the only truth. Within this century, what are we going to look back on and be appalled at our behavior towards our forerunners.

Row, Row, Row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merily, merily, merily, merily
Life is but a dream

Thank you to my darling sister for coming up with these visual, expressive, and honest interpretations of this childhood rhyme.
_____________
Row row row

Do your thing. Do it, do it, do it, until you master it. In the east they’d call this your dharma, or purpose in life. Do it well. Be impeccable. Keep doing it, don’t give up. And when you’ve mastered this stream, there are millions of different streams and rivers and lakes and oceans to row in. Find the next one that tickles your fancy, and start rowing again. Keep rowing.

YOUR boat

Not your wife’s or husband’s or partner’s boat. Not your kid’s boat. Not your neighbor’s boat or your co-worker’s boat or your mom’s or dad’s boat or your friend’s boat.. YOUR boat. You can’t solve anyone else’s problems or do their trips for them. You can’t bloom flowers. Sure, if you want to, you can keep the soil moist and put the pot in the sun and take it in when it gets cold. But the flower has to bloom itself. YOUR boat.

Gently

We struggle a lot in life don’t we? I know I do. And 99% of the time, it was for naught. Things came out the way they came out anyway. Did my angst and stress and struggle help? I’m not talking about a little motivation, which can be good. I’m talking about how hard we can make things for ourselves and everyone around us, just because we’re so hard. Can we be a bit kinder? I don’t mean become a doormat that people step on. Just a bit…. Gentler.

Down the Stream


Other than spawning salmon, we get along best with nature when we go down the stream, instead of trying to paddle up all the time. Really, isn’t most of the struggle in our lives caused by our not accepting things the way they are? The stream is flowing down, not up. I’m not saying don’t change things that you can .Yea, sometimes you have to go up the stream. But I’m talking about the living hell we can create in our own minds because we think things “should” be different than the way they ARE. Accept it first, then you have a prayer of changing it. Or not. But from a point of acceptance, you’re on a ground with the best perspective for change...down the stream.

Merrily merrily merrily merrily


Notice merrily four times? We don’t laugh enough in life! In cosmic terms, no matter what is happening to you, it’s not such a federal case. Someone, somewhere, is going to laugh at you for your pettiness, compared to what they’re going through. I laugh at myself every time I look in the mirror, thinking I have a clue. I love seeing kids laugh at nothing. What happened, why don’t I do that any more? I’d live in a comedy club if they’d give me a cot. We heal ourselves physically and emotionally by laughing. God (or whatever you want to call that divine intelligence that runs through us) has a great sense of humor; He/she smacks me now and then to make me laugh, and to tell me not to be so stupid. Merrily…

Life is but a dream.


Yes, it is. That which entered me when I popped out of my mama's belly is having a great ride. And in cosmic terms, it’ll leave me pretty soon. At the moment it’s in its little soul cage being held down by the spinning force of this little rock whizzing around a little yellow start tucked away in the corner of an insignificant spiral arm of one of billions of little old galaxies. The Universe will hardly notice when it goes out of me and “I” become fertilizer. The Universe will hardly notice when the sun goes out. What if our waking state is really the dream, and the dream is the “reality?” Makes as much sense to me as anything else. Why do dreams seem so real? Why do I feel like I’m dreaming half the time in my waking state? Life IS but a dream.

Over the past while, I have been asked a number of times if I am a Christian. I have struggled to respond as I have been 'Christian' all my life (minus 6 yrs). The principles, expectations, beliefs of being a Christian are being evaluated in my life right now.
So... I officially am renouncing my title of Christian to better understand and follow God's perfect plan in my life, unleashed from expectations and form of Christianity. I am not converting to something else. I am not Atheist, Baptist, New Age, Buddhist, or any other such form. I simply hold to a few basic beliefs and leave the rest up to God.

My basic beliefs are:

• I believe in God - the master and intellect within the universe
• I believe he has a perfect will/plan for my life - every moment has a will and purpose
• I dedicate myself moment by moment to following exactly what he would lead me to do - every moment, without judgement or expectation of the outcome
• I believe that he will ultimately provide for my every need - physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and I trust his impeccable timing 
• I believe that everything that happens in my life is for a divine purpose. Every person, every trip, every ounce of food I eat, every thought I have - EVERYTHING - is for a divine purpose
• I believe there is more to this life than what my physical eyes can see or my mind can comprehend
• I believe that good always prevails, no mistakes only lessons and gifts in each experience

As God continues to guide me moment by moment even these beliefs are subject to change, past beliefs are subject to come back into existence - anything is a possibility. God has my complete reigns and my open mind is his slate to write on.
As he leads I may find myself in different spiritual experiences. I can't go somewhere without him - it's not possible. He will be a part of me in each experience I have - and that's thrilling! He will never leave me, I will never feel void of his presence. He will offer unreserved love for me. He will show his existence in the tiniest way, the most powerful way, the most controversial way, the most unconventional way, the most personal way, the most intimate way, the most loving way.

Thus continues the journey...

Who are the chosen ones?
This dates back yet again to the theories, thoughts and beliefs that one group of people - whether Christian, Jew, Catholic, Buddhist, Islam, Hindu, Muslim and whomever else is spiritually inspired by a spiritual being of some sort and have the one unifying belief system - are the one true chosen people that will go to wherever the destination is after departing from this realm.

Shaking head --- how can it be. How can each of these groups of organized religion believe that they are ultimately correct and everyone else is either going to hell, or less blessed, or must be killed or whatever countless other thing should happen to them unless they convert, repent, protect or change their beliefs to match.

There are countless number of differing beliefs between all the spiritual practices in the world. BUT - Christians have the one and only way because they believe the Word Of God as written down in the Bible and believe that Jesus is the one and only way.
I still have a hard time comprehending the rest of civilization is doomed.

Forwarded from a friend.... just about peed my pants!!
______
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:



Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination ... End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.

1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination?

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I'm confident you can help.

Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your adoring fan.

James M. Kauffman,
Ed.D. Professor Emeritus,
Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education
University of Virginia
(It would be a damn shame if we couldn't own a Canadian )

"You blaze a trail for anyone wanting to get out of the 'box church' on the corner and experience the Truth of God's love, grace, mercy, kindness, and infinite creativity. Keep dropping pearls and tying ribbons on the tree trunks so others will know where the path is."
~Thanks SJ :)

What is suffering? And why does it need to have a place in my life. Is it real? Does suffering actually exist outside of my thoughts? If suffering actually existed, wouldn't every person going through the same situation experience the same suffering?
My deepest love relationship just ended. I should be devastated. Others would be! Another may be heartbroken, lost, depressed, have a script of thoughts like:
"I'm so unlovable, I shouldn't have done this or that, I'm not good enough, why does it have to end, I just want to die, there's no reason to live anymore, I hate feeling like this".
Then the thoughts might evolve to:
"I never should have gotten into the relationship, I never wanted to be hurt, I'm never going to be vulnerable again".
Then more thoughts:
"He's so cruel, how could he lead me on like that, he accused me, he hurt me, I miss him, I'll do anything to get him back".

But these are all just thoughts - not based on truth. I am lovable, I do exactly as I should do every moment, I am good enough, I want to live, I love feeling every way - it proves I'm still alive, I enjoyed the relationship no matter how long it lasted, I'm willing to be hurt again to experience deep love with another, I won't settle for anything less then vulnerable, He is so kind, he is so honest, he can't hurt me - only I can allow hurt to myself, I miss him.. yes and that's ok, I won't do anything to get him back that would jeopardize my honesty and truth.

So how is it that I can be free from suffering, I can be at peace, I can be full of love, hope. I can see every moment of this relationship as precious gifts that I opened with care. The gift of learning about myself, learning about another person, learning how to be honest, learning not to hide behind fear, experiencing a deeper relationship with my dad, unwrapping more of the secrets in my life, learning about love, seeing beauty in everyday, taking rest when I need it, taking fresh air when I need it, taking a glass of wine when I want it.

Can I have peace instead of suffering because I believe my thoughts that tell me that God is ultimately in control and His next step for me is even more like paradise than the chapter I just completed? How exciting!!! If this love relationship was a glimpse of paradise, lets keep the flow going. Keep it coming God, keep my stressful and limiting thoughts and expectations out of the way so that I can fully be in Your path.

So what is His image? If we are made in it - what is God really like? What parts of His image do we reflect.

My take on the human being image:

• we have a physical, tangible part
• we have emotions - happy, sad, mad, scared, fearful, tired, bitchy, irate,
• we have thoughts - ones that bring contentment, warmth, love, peace and ones that bring us grief, suffering, depression, anxiety
• we have an innate desire to be loved
• we seek appreciation, acceptance and affirmation
• we distract easily
• we judge others harshly
• we all think we are right
• we have basic survival requirements: food, water, clothing, shelter
• we like to have purpose to our lives
• we have a beginning and end in the physical world
• we live according to measurable time
• we are constantly growing and changing physically, emotionally and spiritually
• we often have to repeat the same experience over and over again until we learn the nugget of truth
• we love - but pitifully

My take on God's image:

• His physical, tangible part is in creation 
• I'm not sure where He fits in with emotions - he is neither happy nor sad, he just is
• I'm not sure where He fits in with thoughts. It doesn't make sense that he would have depression thoughts, so could he in turn have only happy thoughts? What if he didn't have any thoughts at all. No scale of good vs. bad, but that all have equal value
• He has an innate desire to be loved
• He does not need appreciation, acceptance and affirmation
• He is focused
• I'm not sure where He fits in with judging others harshly, to me he seems the role model of acceptance and love 
• He is right
• He has no basic survival requirements
• He is - no purpose required
• He has no beginning and end
• He exists outside of time
• He never changes, always remains the same in His intricacies 
• He is supremely powerful
• He can call anything into existence ie. money, health, circumstances, nature
• He can heal any illness or dis-ease
• He can be fully present with any human being at any time simultaneously
• He can make anything reality - against all laws, bylaws, deadlines, lineup
• He see's good in everything
• He loves everyone - without clarification, expectation, change
• He is beyond human comprehension

I'm not seeing a lot of image sharing here. What's up with the human being race? Have we missed the mark of our potential?

So God has some perfect plan in mind for me.
It would seem all my life that I've been searching around on some kind of treasure hunt trying to find the little nuggets of will hidden in crevices, stones, bushes, high peaks, under water, in the dishwasher.. where oh where is God's will.
Then I began to wonder if it is really all that hidden after all. Why would He make it difficult to find, difficult to understand, full of questions and doubts. "Is this God's will, maybe it isn't, I'm not sure" and then once I make a decision how do I know looking back that it was God's will. Does it change after I look back and re-evaluate? "Well, maybe it wasn't God's will, but maybe it was... hmm, I'm not sure!". This sounds a little like insanity and less and less like the life of peace, blessing and perfect plan that God promises.

So, what if I just begin to move forward one step at a time in complete faith that what I am doing IS God's will. Knowing that He has all the details arranged, He has the bigger picture covered, He will make the perfect plan fall into place. I'm not going to spend precious time wondering if it is or isn't God's will. Ultimately, all things work together for good. BUT ... here's my big BUT... in order for this plan to work, I must be in open communication with God, not forcing my will or expectation on how things should go but open to any option on how He wants to use a situation and utilize me. Again - completely open to any option, that any choice I make may turn out how I anticipate it to or it might not or a completely new outcome will arrive.

This is how God can work His perfect plan because His will makes no human sense at all!!!
Who the hell would attempt to tie up their son, but him on a pile of wood and light a match?
Who the hell would use his only remaining strength to push down a building full of people?
Who the hell would follow through marrying a woman who says she's pregnant but it's not your baby?
Who the hell would build a boat not even remotely close to water?
Who the hell would approach a man to marry her in a culture where that was taboo?

God's will may not seem 'right' in our culture. Am I willing to live with criticism and judgement if God will's me to do something counter cultural that may even appear as immoral in our human minds?

True love does not come by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.

Our true identity is to love without fear and insecurity. Our higher potential finds us when we set our course in that direction. The power of love and compassion transforms insecurity.

Love is fire. But whether it's gonna warm your heart or burn your house down you can never tell.

Tethered but free,
with a long leed,
blown by the wind.

Mirror, Mirror on the wall,
I don't like what I see at all,
Is it true, the reflection I see,
Or is it you mirroring back at me.

Mirror, Mirror you do not lie.
I cannot hide my face so sly.
So open up your eyes and see,
Where the truth shines in and breaks you free.

Mirror, Mirror you are my Friend,
Mother, Brother, Sister, Lover.
When I look deep and see, thoughts & deeds that startle me.
They are not my friends' you see,
But my true self looking back at me.

~TW

What if suffering only existed in my thoughts. If I changed my thoughts would the suffering go away?

Life unfolds spontaneously and effortlessly.

Everything that happens in God's Will. If God didn't will it, then it wouldn't happen.

It's the moment - it's the second - it's the time I have right now, the thoughts I'm thinking right now. It's not about the future, plans, dreams, hopes. Those are all great and have a place. But right now - it's about NOW.
The exhilaration, the joy, the beauty, the peace - all of it can exist in the everyday.
Oh what a beautiful place I am in. Love abounds, overflows, envelops, exudes. Love is inside, outside, embracing, surging, flowing. It's vast - beyond anything I've ever comprehended before. It leaves dust trails on my chacras, my heart, my centre, my stomach, my head, and my abdomen.
If this is it, if my end is near - oh the life I have lived. Leave no stone unturned. Say 'Yes'.

Research indicates that thoughts come before feelings. I took some time to analyze this. I'm feeling sad - looking deeper I see the reason I'm feeling sad stems from a thought - about myself, someone or something else. But I'm not sad first and then find something to be sad about.
So if thoughts involve consciousness - where do dreams fit in? If a dream is so real you can taste, smell and feel it - where do they exist. Are dreams some sort of reality or glimps into time?

It's not my job to figure out the next step.
I only know what I need to know in the moment.
As soon as I begin to fret about the next moment, I'm not in my business anymore - I've decided to become master of the universe and try to control the next moment without even a glimpse into all the possible variables.

More musings about thoughts. I think a lot about thoughts, spending time thinking about thoughts.. hmmm interesting.

So, what if my thoughts are God's way of directly speaking to me. His direct line of communication to my mind or heart - depending on where the thoughts resonate. Well maybe the God thoughts resonate in the heart and the human thoughts resonate in the mind. The human thoughts in the mind bring us stress, worry, anxiety day in and day out. Funny thing though - many devout Christians are stressed with worry, and I'm no exception. Why is that? Shouldn't we be different than the rest of the human race?

Ok - for an experiment, I'll monitor where my thoughts come from. Actually - I've already been doing this. When I get the thought to go here or there, do this or that - if I just do it then I'm following the lead and I'm rarely stressed. I'm simply living in the moment, doing what I've been asked to do that exact moment, and not borrowing trouble from tomorrow. If I begin to think that costs money, how am I going to make that work, it sounds silly or crazy, I'm too tired, I'm not smart enough, I'm not brave enough, my house is too messy, my kids are too noisy, people will look at me funny, on and on and on and on and on and on. Then I wonder why God didn't help me with the stress! Why didn't he make it clearer to me what I should do? Well maybe he actually did - but I thought my way out of it.

What if suffering only existed in my thoughts. What if I could be an observer - seeing things as they really are but not being filled with stress about them.
If I changed by beliefs about my thoughts - would the suffering and stress go away?
Isn't that Jesus's real message?

• Don't worry, I'll take care of everything
• I have everything under control
• Trust in me
• Get your ego out of the way
• Follow my lead, I know what's best for you

We’re upside down, inside out – can’t tell our cars from our kids. Which one is more valuable? Our jobs, money, goals, stuff – even the church can’t decide. Commercialism and pop culture are woven deeply into the fabric of our pews. But we’re ok with it, so that’s fine. But just be aware that that is not what Jesus modeled for us. Pop culture is driven my media and ultimately government. Being ‘In’ the world but not ‘Of’ the world, what does that really mean? Does it mean we can look like the world so that we can capture lost souls through a veil of deceit? Boy oh boy – you’d think God was putting up his feet handing out the dough to all his mobsters to do his dirty work. When the church uses pop culture to seduce its non/members it is mirroring the identical behavior of the world. Sure it’s all in the name of God – but seriously, do we need to take our lessons from worldly hierarchy? One single gift I would like to pass onto my children – think for yourself, no matter what the church says! When your thoughts mesh with God – then you will know what is right for you.
So all this said – it is only my thoughts that lead me to believe what I will support and what I won’t support. You are completely entitled to what you think is right.

The more I explore the more I cannot believe the ‘truth’ that was taught to me that there is One Way. How can there be when all the churches can’t agree on which way that is. Which church did God give the memo too to let them know they have the Right Way? Every single belief system can prove that their way is the right, only and true way – otherwise, why would they believe it?
All it takes is a single question – a question of authority, of religion, of faith, of belief, of wonder, curiosity, inquiry to allow God to speak into the depths of my being so that His words are my words, His thoughts are my thoughts, His plans are my plans. Is there a separation of Him and me? If He truly resides within my being, how can you separate us - are we not One? Will He not speak His truth into my being; maybe that truth will not look like yours – are you ok with that?

So the whole concept about the way I think – how it has morphed over the past years to such an extreme change that I hardly recognize who I used to be. Did I really think that way? Did I really love struggle so much that I held onto it for dear life? My mind is a clear vessel these days. Observing beauty in everyday life – and wondering how I missed it all these years. Moving forward through life wanting to explore and experience everything possible. Not dismissing opportunities for fear of what people will think or is it the ‘right’ thing to do, or maybe there’s something better. But the thing is – all my current way of thinking was not ever introduced to me by the church or christians. The experiences I have now I feel the need to closet them for ‘fear’ of being labeled blaspheme, back sliding, causing another the stumble, and so many more christianeze.
So maybe it’s time I escaped from my closet – let you know what I really think. You don’t have to agree actually I’d prefer you didn’t always. If you feel led to pray for my dying soul – so be it. But in all honesty, peace prevails in my life right now.

Reading "The Shack" in Sept 08 made an impression on me.

Somehow I think that I only use a small portion of my brain to fully understand about life and why God put me here. I keep trying to look deeper in my brain to find that small part that I have not yet discovered. Maybe if I roll my eyes back just right while thinking of nothing - I can achieve greater awareness - lol. I don't know... but looking at the whole scheme of things, we must look so pathetic going about life making silly mistakes and stumbling along until we finally learn one small lesson at a time. Whether the lesson is forgiveness, kindness, patience, hope, perspective and so on.

Maybe that is our ultimate purpose: to learn each day small lessons that will build our intimacy with Him. Even through our pathetic lives, He loves us deeply and is willing to stick by and guide us gently like a shepherd.